The early years…when the grudge was forming…
“Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.”
A few years ago I sat through a presentation about behavior types given by a contractor I teamed with for a client out there. He mentioned that one of the behavior styles was prone to hold grudges. He then quoted that line about drinking poison.
It’s interesting to think about how much power a grudge really holds over us. All of us have been wronged or hurt by something or someone. I’m sure all of us in some way are still hanging onto it. Personally, I’ve held onto more than my share but one incident stands out above all.
During my last two years in the Navy, I tolerated my “day job” running the I.T. department while living for my “night job” teaching college and doing my collateral duty job of working on the Command Training Team. I knew then that I wanted to do the exact career I have now, but with little support from anyone other than family, I worked toward it pretty much in secret.
When I was doing my exit interviews the day before I left in January of 1998, my Executive Officer, CAPT Lee Richardson gave me one final piece of encouragement as I shared my plans for my second career:
“You’ll end up fixing computers someplace. There’s no way you’ll be able to run your own business and be an O.D. consultant.”
My Command Master Chief, Kathy Morrison echoed his prediction.
Neither had been big supporters of me during my time at the command but the blunt criticism was still biting.
I responded that afternoon by taking all of my Navy uniforms and tossing them in the dumpster and then taking an ice scraper and removing my DoD vehicle decal in full view of them. It gave me great pleasure, but solidified a deep-seated grudge.
For the first four years of my second career, I never forgot CAPT Richardson and DTCM Morrison. Their prediction for me was a constant motivator. I detested anything tied to the military, particularly the Navy. I made a mental note to completely disconnect from all my military experiences and never refer to what I did in my “first” career. What I didn’t realize was that my hatred for them was preventing me from really getting ahead and appreciating all the great experiences I had in the Navy. One day it hit me that even if the two of them were still alive, they’d long since forgotten about me. I was the only one still keeping the grudge alive. On that day, I decided to let it all go.
Shortly after I found an opportunity to teach career transition skills to military folks leaving the service. My successful transition helped inspire many of them. In a couple of ironic turns, I had former clinic directors and senior enlisted folks that I worked for actually take my class…and ask me questions. It was one of the most rewarding periods of my life, and one I would never have experienced had I continued to hold onto old baggage. I now consider my time in the Navy to be a key shaping element in what I am today. I also refer back to my Naval career with a sense of pride.
What baggage are you carrying around now? A bad boss? Controlling spouse? Overbearing or neglectful parent? Backstabbing friend? Depending on the situation, that person might not be alive anymore, or if not, might not remember the wrong. Maybe you’re the only one holding onto it. Why not consider letting some of it go this week. The poison you’re drinking harms nobody but you. Putting that energy into healing and moving on might be much more productive and healthy.