Nothing creates conflict more than a good old pandemic! Since early 2020, most of our lives has been in a state of upheaval. Some of us have lost our jobs and others our businesses. Sadder still, some of us have lost family and friends to COVID-19. As of this writing, we are still in the thick of the battle between those who want continued social distancing and those who want to reopen the country. There is no clear answer for any of this.
And so, as a reaction to this continued state of ambiguity, many of us find ourselves embroiled in a lot more conflict. Sometimes conflict is useful, but most of the time it widens already challenged relationships. Something has to be done right?
Right! I think a very important first step to handle harmful and divisive conflict is to identify what conflict is (when what I WANT is NOT what I’m currently experiencing), and the key drivers. I’ll take you through them below:
Differing Values. Values are deeply-rooted guiding principles that define the way you live and work. They come from our upbringing, key figures in our lives, and sometimes religious convictions. If we are currently working at a company or individuals who align with our values, there’s no problem. Where they differ however leaves us ripe for conflict. Years ago, one my values, autonomy was at significant odds with the United States Navy where I served for 15 years. Since I wasn’t going to change my values and the Navy wasn’t about to change theirs, I made the decision to walk out of my career 5 years short of a full pension. My choice, but for me, I knew I would never get what I wanted and I didn’t have the power to win that conflict.
Solution? What are your values? Do they align with the people and your current career path? If not, one of you will have to move on, and there’s a good chance that person will be YOU!
Differing Perspectives. You could take a group of people and ask for their perspective on a situation, political party, or current event and there’s a good chance each person has a different take on it. That’s normal. There’s no problem with that. The problem begins when we try to convince others that their perspective is inaccurate and we get busy trying to prove it. You’ve seen it with your Facebook friends haven’t you? I have several family members whose political and current event posts I block because they are cutting and incendiary. And that’s from both sides of the political spectrum. Here’s a word of advice. You will NEVERchange a person’s view on politics or current events. NEVER! My mom who is deeply religious and ultra-conservative has very strong opinions in favor of the current Administration. Just for fun, I asked her:
“Hey mom, if Jesus knocked on the front door and tried to convince you to change your political affiliation and who you plan to vote for this year, would you do it?”
Without hesitation, she replied, “NO!”
So there you have it. Solution? Don’t get yourself involved over conflict on perspectives.
Differing Definitions. How do you define a job well done? Well, if you’re The Boss, your definition is the standard. Now what do you do when you have an individual whose definition is different? With your positional power, you can force them to meet your standard but they will do it grudgingly. If you think cleaning the house means clearing out clutter and dusting and mopping but I think it means just getting rid of junk, there will be a conflict. Don’t ask me how I know this one! If you’re not clear on how you define a thing, then you’ll never have your standard met.
Solution? Communicate you definition and enforce it.
Differing Mindsets. Mindsets are attitudes towards a thing. Most of our mindsets are hard-wired into us and fortified through life experience. There are a bunch of them, but one of the most common that leads to conflict is the mindset of optimism vs. pessimism. Optimism is the expectation that things will work out just fine in the end. Pessimism has two channels: the expectation that things will NOT work out in the end, and, the maxim “trust but verify.”
This is more than a half-full or half-empty glass. It’s not just that the day will either be partly cloudy or partly sunny. It’s how we see and communicate our opinions. If we have the mindset of optimism, we may give an underperforming employee too many chances but the opposite mindset could mean that nobody gets a second chance. If you and your team or partner differ here, get ready for the fireworks!
To fix it, be sure to objectively look at both sides of the argument before making your decision.
Differing Personalities. We could spend an entire day on this one as there are many rich examples. At Boss Builders, we use the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® and the Keirsey Temperament Sorter® to help groups have better dialog and collaboration. But this one can be a huge conflict driver. Let’s say that your preference for organizing yourself towards your environment involves getting an early start on a project, making detailed lists of tasks, and following strict guidelines. That works well until you’re assigned to work with someone who is opposite. Someone who is pressure prompted. Someone who waits until the last minute to do their best work. You’ll certainly experience conflict even though both of you will provide an excellent finished product.
To fix this common problem, get to know the personalities of the people around you and show some empathy. They probably won’t change their style to make you happy, but for the sake of the job, you might have to be the bigger adult and adjust your style.
So that’s it. The Big 5. Oh, and when you throw a pandemic and quarantine on this, you’ve just put gasoline on the fire.
This week, do some inventory on yourself and how you measure up in these 5 areas. Then, take a look at the people and situations around you. Self-awareness and self-management are the keys to making conflict less pervasive and more productive.